


Here, Love, but Not

by 3DMG Shenanigans (Lightningpelt)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, I'm so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 07:46:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5039944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lightningpelt/pseuds/3DMG%20Shenanigans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He should have been able to go with them to see the ocean. So why...? </p>
<p>Post-series AruAni drabble; slight manga spoilers</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here, Love, but Not

**Author's Note:**

> I did this a while back for AruAni week, rediscovered it this morning, and decided to post it here. Because everyone needs a bit of heart-break once in a while (as if there isn't enough in cannon). I'll post something fluffy in a minute to make up for it, I promise. 
> 
> Please leave a comment if you enjoyed~

She had survived.

She hadn’t thought that she would. But she had. And now she found herself gazing around at humanity- or what was left of it -as they embarked on a whole new challenge; a joyous one this time. They were free at last and she, though not exactly free, could breath for the first time within memory.

“Maybe they’ll let you come with us the next time.”

The girl just nodded; if even Ackerman was offering her kind words, she must look to be in a sorry state. “Don’t worry about me. Just enjoy your trip. This was your dream, wasn’t it?”

“… It was _our_ dream. He should be with us.”

The girl glanced up at the Shifter who had spoken, feeling a stab of sympathy. She tried to find words, but looked away when they all failed her.

“Eren…” the Ackerman girl murmured softly, and then grabbed her adopted brother’s wrist gently. “Come on. It won’t help to dwell on that now.”

As the Survey Corps set off, her old classmates among them, the girl let out a soft sigh. _Yes… he should be here… he should have gone with them…_

As if in a trance, she stood and began to walk- through the plush hallways of the Sina building, her feet silent on the thick carpet. It was so quiet with the Corps gone that, for a moment, she fancied she was still inside her crystal, the translucent blue glass filling her ears and blocking out the sounds of life.

But she had survived; emerged. She was now a part of the world of the living once again, and once again knew of human longing.

“Armin…”

Her feet stopped; hand reached out of its own accord, fingertips brushing the rough wood of a door- his door. It hadn’t opened in so very long, and suddenly she had hold of the handle.

_I inhabit the world of the living now…_ she thought, her chest aching with yearning. _Why can’t you rejoin it, too…?_

The door handle swung down easily under the pressure she placed upon it, and the barrier eased open on oiled hinges. The room within was dim; dusty; cluttered. She paused to watch a riff of dust drift across the single beam of light slanting through the otherwise drawn curtains. His bed was disused, the blankets perfect and unrumpled amid the mess.

The ache in the back of her throat intensified to a dull throbbing, and she tried to swallow past it. Her entrance hadn’t disturbed the ruined room in the slightest; hadn’t drawn the cheerful greeting that was now only a memory.

“… Armin.”

“Yes? What is it, Annie?”

The girl narrowed her eyes, feeling tears sting the corners. “The Survey Corps just left. They’ve set their sights on the ocean, this time.”

The _scritch-scratch_ of his pen stalled for just a heartbeat, and then resumed. “That’s good. I told Mikasa to bring me back a seashell.”

Annie stiffened, her tears pushing more insistently at her stoic expression. “You should be with them.”

“My place is here,” the boy replied, his head still down and his pen still moving. “Commander Erwin entrusted this to me. I have to finish these letters. Their families are entitled to at least this much.”

“Armin…” Her voice broke before she could say more, and again his pen stilled. He looked up for the first time.

“Annie? What is it?”

“It would be better if you had died…” the girl whispered, hands clenching into fists at her sides. “I watched Reiner be destroyed… I watched Bertholdt destroy himself… and now you’re…!”

“Annie…” Armin rose, his face softening into a smile as he moved out from behind his desk. But it didn’t reach his eyes; those were still empty and barely visible in the dim light, and so his expression came out unstable and disconcerting. “I’m sorry. I’m being inconsiderate of your feelings.”

“Don’t patronize me, Arlert,” the girl spat, and the boy stalled, smile twitching slightly and widening in an attempt to be more convincing.

“I’m… not,” he said simply, and then lowered his head. “I care about you, and yet I’m ignoring your feelings. I should–”

“Stop!” Annie cried at last, her voice rough with unshed tears. “Stop talking! You don’t sound like yourself- you aren’t him anymore! You aren’t the Armin I fell in love with! I miss that Armin, but he’s dead- he’s died in the war! And you can stand there, trying to smile and talking so calmly about being considerate of my feelings?!”

The boy didn’t react, even as Annie’s tears spilled down her cheeks at last. And then slowly, with painful deliberateness, he lowered himself back down into his chair, head down.

“I’m sorry, Annie. I’m sorry I’m not the Armin you remember. I wish I was, but I’m not. And just like the dead cannot be brought back, the innocence of childhood cannot be reclaimed. So I’m sorry.”

Annie tried to stop her tears, but failed. “You’re killing yourself, locking yourself away like this.”

“I fear I’m already dead.”

“What about your dream to see the ocean?” the girl asked at last, her voice taught with desperation. “Won’t I ever see your eyes shine with that kind of wonder again?”

And Armin shook his head, that hollow smile at last fading.

“Perhaps Mikasa will bring me back a seashell. Perhaps, at least, I’ll hear an echo of the ocean… and perhaps, at least, I can show you an echo of that wonder; an echo of the Armin you miss.”


End file.
